I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
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You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…