(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
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Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
OMG 🤣🤣
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?