well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
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I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”