[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
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me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.