I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
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You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.