Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
You Might Also Like
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.