I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
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Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.