my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
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wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.