My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
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I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
when someone compliments me
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.