I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
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My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.