When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
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I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
We’ve all been there
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*