We’ve all been there
You Might Also Like
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Watermelon Boss!
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Stop it! 😂
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day