she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
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Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Never mess with a drunken pig.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?