If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
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If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺