Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
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why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.