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Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.