Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
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You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel