Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
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One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”