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🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
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Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
tourist season
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders