tourist season
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The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.