There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
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7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
oh no, steve’s working tonight
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
my astrological sign is a french fry
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.