*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
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Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
is this how new cars are made??
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.