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Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
The glory of fall.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg