*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
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Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
This is my bus stop.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied