Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
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Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.