The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
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[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
you know what ruined my childhood? children
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
shampoo implies shampee
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure