*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
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Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health