*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
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FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…