I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
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Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.