Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
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doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?