“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
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Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Succinctly put.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.