producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
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do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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.
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.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Smallpox sounds so adorable
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Who’s your best friend?
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.