My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
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*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.