It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
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I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
How high do the levels go?
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.