If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
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I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
what does he know…
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
the three genders
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
huge if true: the moon