Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
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No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
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Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol