Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
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If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
no their not
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…