“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
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crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
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I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit