“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
You Might Also Like
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest