Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
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Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
What the hell happened in there??
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I love the honesty
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.