Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
You Might Also Like
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Mad Max Arctic Road