*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
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Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
also my go-to takeaway order
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Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
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On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.