*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
You Might Also Like
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.