My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
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I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Lmao 🤣
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine