Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
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Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.