Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
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Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.