My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
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My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.