Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
You Might Also Like
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Death certificates are our last participation award.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this