The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
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Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two