When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
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me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.