Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
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Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Happy Caturday!
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.