@TurboJellyBean

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

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@myonlymizztake

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

@YesImMatt

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

@TomSchally

My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.

@TheWidowmakerX

“how can you be single?”

*smirks*

gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out

@SkinnieTalls

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

@neiltyson

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).

Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.

@tastefactory

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things