Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
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A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
“how can you be single?”
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”