@myonlymizztake Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
@TurboJellyBean Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
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@myonlymizztake 
@YesImMatt A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
@dirtydishtowels My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
@TomSchally My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
@TheWidowmakerX “how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
@SkinnieTalls To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
@neiltyson Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
@PopeAwesomeXIII Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
@tastefactory VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
@funnybeachgirl “Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”