Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
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Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.