{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
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[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
🌱🌱🌱
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Boom, boom, ching!
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.